Felicia Fan

Several years after college, I began to feel anxious. I was eager to date and get married. Friends around me nicely paired up, and this made me even more desperate. I thought to myself that if serving in ministries and joining the young adult fellowship could not produce any satisfaction in the dating department, I would take the matter into my own hands. I then subscribed to online dating services, and even started hanging out with more people from different ethnic backgrounds as well as non-Christians. While my dating scene started looking more colorful, deep down in my heart, I knew this was not what I wanted. I was simply angry with the Lord and reacting like a child with a tantrum.

After several months of this, I gave up and surrendered. I wrestled with my emotions and let tears fall before God. During one particular night in autumn, I couldn’t sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and decided to read my Bible. The page where my eyes landed was 1 Samuel, Chapter 1, the story of Hannah asking the Lord to grant her a child. As I read through those two chapters, my heart pumped faster and my soul rejoiced. I knew the Lord had heard my prayer as He did for Hannah! I felt such peace knowing that I would have a husband one day, just as Hannah would have her child soon. It was such a powerful and undeniable presence from the Lord that I quickly shared this with my mentor soon after. Unbeknownst to me, she was also praying for me about my struggle as she journaled my sharing.

As my heart settled, I was able to refocus my mind and no longer pay much attention to my dating scene. Soon after, my mentor’s husband “thoughtfully” introduced me to a brother in Christ by assigning us to co-lead a college group together. This reminded me again to seek Him first (i.e. in my case, serving Him wholeheartedly), then He will answer prayers according to His good timing.

Several months later, we started dating. We intentionally sought out dating mentors to keep us on track, and we spoke with our pastor’s wife to seek her advice. Additionally, confirmations from sermons and scriptures was an essential part of our journey. Marriage is such a serious business, and neither of us dared to take it lightly.

This was just a snapshot of how God continues to show His goodness and grace at every stage of my life. Yet, it is still a constant struggle to surrender my heart’s desires and to trust His faithfulness. I pray that the Lord will help me to be obedient enough to follow His lead throughout my life.

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